Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for the ‘Nature’ Category

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Diving in Naked

It was early morning on Padre Island and I had already decided to get on the road and make the 6 hour drive home after ringing in the New Year with one of my oldest and dearest friends. The weather had not been our best friend this trip, high winds, cold temperatures and rain had kept us from venturing out too much. The low hanging clouds had engulfed the island in a blanket of gray with only brief moments of sun light streaking through every now and again. In retrospect it was a blanket I needed. It comforted me in familiarity with my kindred soul, a sister from another mister as they say. A sister of choice who I shared my mother with. We went to church on Sunday at Chapel by the Sea. Kim sang out all the hymns I didn’t know as I remained quietly beside her. I translated the preachers words almost instantaneously in my mind as my perceptions and understandings of the scriptures he read and stories he told didn’t quite mirror my own beliefs but at the core still resonated.

Afterwards we brunched with ladies of the isle 30 and even 40 years our seniors and I was amazed at their combined history and journeys as they sipped mimosas. Over the next few days we shopped, napped, read books, solved the worlds woes and fed each others spirit with gentle nudges of truth and observations. I was in a safe harbor to laugh, cry, explore or to do nothing more than be if that was what I needed.

Several years back we had spread my mother’s ashes on the north end of the National Seashore. We hadn’t gone out there this trip and it seemed odd to not go and pay some sort of homage but it just never happened with the rain and cold. I was just resigned to it.

And then my friend asked me as we sat high over the gulf watching the gray waves below and a few single bundled up beach combers that morning from our “Ivory Tower”. “Are you sure you don’t want to go see Wanda?”. It was like one of those brief breaks in the clouds where the sun comes shining thru if only for a moment and I knew where I needed to be and what I needed to do. Not for Wanda, but for me. I had spoken about it briefly a few days before. The need for a cleansing, a chance to wash off 2018 and start anew. A clean slate for the new year.

I grabbed a few beach towels and still in my Vera Wang PJ’s we headed to the north shore. The wind was howling and you could feel the gusts push the jeep from side to side every now and again. We reached the beach entrance, sand dunes piled high on either side. The sand was wet and deep but no real challenge for the jeep. I rolled down my window and breathed in heavy doses of chilled salt air. We passed a few fishermen who where stubborn enough to brave the cold and rough surf in the hope of catching a few silvery pompano. Two heron stood watch as if they had a vested interest and it made me smile.

We drove further up the beach until we saw the spot we loving call “Wanda’s Beach”. The tide was coming in and there we were. There was a froth on the water from the constant battering of waves. I laughed to myself and said a silent thank you to Wanda for the soap! A prayer of protection and a silent meditation and then I stepped from the jeep and began to disrobe. The sand was cold on my feet, the wind bit at every bump and bulge and yet I continued to undress. Here I was, rapidly approaching my 56th birthday, 225 lbs of insecurity and a slight fear of water, marching into the waves. I didn’t run or plunge but with a steadfast purpose walked into the ocean. Letting it take me one step at a time, one wave at a time to a new year. Not a new me but a truer me. Not as scared, not as insecure, not as mournful for the loss of my mother who was my best friend in the world. The waves were rolling in. One minute waste deep the next up to  my neck and floating but still capable of moving forward.

That’s the choice….to move forward. A wave lapped over my head and I knew. Forward can be many things. I embraced the waves and now it was time to embrace the air. I turned and made my way back to shore just as slowly and deliberately as I had walked in. And there on the shore was my soul sister to welcome me, wrap me and share the moment. My heart was beating through my chest and I gasped for air as i clung to her. I never felt warmer or more alive.

This was why I was here. To acknowledge that feeling of vulnerability and insecurity you are left with when orphaned on earth with the lose of a parent. To finally take all the things they had taught you and instilled in you and use them on a daily basis without their prodding.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am brave. I am kind. I am that I am. And so my sweet, are you.

I love each and every one of you.

Juliana

Copyright Juliana Wathen 2019

I Got You Babe!…..

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Without you …..I would not experience Faith

Without you …..I wouldn’t be challenged to Trust

Without you…..I would not strive to make the World a Better Place

Without you…..I would not push myself to get to the Other Side

Without you…..I would not experience Unconditional Love

I would not be who I am today without all the experiences, conditions and people that have touched my day to day life.
It truly is YOU AND ME BABE!

I love each and every one of you
Juliana

Copy Right 2013 Juliana Wathen

Going to the source…..

This is my favorite picture from my vacation in Hawaii. My final morning when I took my rental car and headed for the Road to Hana. This picture is special. I keep this picture  in a frame top box on my coffee table to remind me of what is possible.

That final morning I spotted a small state park on the left of the road at the turn off to Hana. I had been walking on beaches for 5 days, black sand, white sand  – but this one seemed different and I was compelled to find out why. I parked the car and walked past the tree line to the beach. I went to the water’s edge and took pictures of surfers and fishermen and tried to paint this last vista into my memory. I felt an incredible peace that morning. I turned to walk back to my car and saw a man clad only in a short white sarong walking towards me. He moved with great purpose and yet his feet seemed to barely disturb the sand.

His skin was golden. It glowed and the light seemed to shimmer off his shoulders. I couldn’t really tell if the source was actual sunlight or if the glow radiated  from somewhere deep within his body. And it suddenly occurred to me that I was actually questioning the source of this illumination. So I continued to watch him. There was nothing subtle about my gaze.

I stood there, transfixed on him as he walked by. He smiled and as he passed I lifted the camera to my eye and began shooting as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. He walked away from me and up to the tree line which seemed to have a small clearing. He removed his sarong, bowed in reverence to the sun and then sat….and began his morning meditation. I just stood there…watching….this man…this master….center himself and ground his energy to the earth. He was the perfect picture of peace and I could feel it energizing my own body. I knew instantly that he knew who he was , where he had come from and where he was going.

I never forgot that moment. I had never seen anyone so peaceful in all my life, so centered and so strong in his silence.

People sometimes go to great lengths to be noticed. Whether they dress to impress or shout out loud, put stickers on their cars or wave banners in the air. The person who got my attention and impressed me the most these past ten yrs has been the man – who walked by and said absolutely nothing.

I wanna be like him.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

Snapshot…..

Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

**Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

Blue days…..

Blue days have a way of sneaking up on me. I guess I looked as pitiful as a kitten who couldn’t go out to play yesterday afternoon. The A/C was out when I got home and the maintenance worker dropped by to check it out. He has been to my unit several times before since I moved in last December and he is sweet as he can be and no bigger than a minute. Lucky for him there isn’t a maintenance man chart that says , “Must be this tall to be a repair man”, or he would have been in some serious trouble. We exchanged the normal niceties and he went about his chores. He changed the filter and added freon and soon I was good to go.

He climbed down from his ladder and stood there wiping his hands on his rag. He stashed the rumpled fabric  in his hip pocket, lifted the ladder and started to go but hesitated, set down the ladder  and asked me very politely if not in perfect English, “Ma’am, do you mind I tell you something?”…I thought he was going to tell me how to program the damn computerized thermostat or how to save on my electric bill. Instead he looked me straight in the eye and said in the most loving voice.

“Ma’am, I always like seeing you in the hallways  and always love come to your unit. When I walk in, is refreshing with clean smells, energy  and happiness. Today, I think you are no happy. I come in the door and I don’t feel your smile. Please, take time and put you beautiful smile back on, for me, please. So beautiful you’re smile. Makes everyone happy to see.”

Wow, a repair man AND a therapist. Talk about amenities! Do I know where to live or what?

In less than 24 hours of coming home from a great weekend I had slid right into a BLUE DAY.

I am forced to face yet another round of doctor appointments for a heart that just can’t seem to find a beat. At least, not a regular one anyway. I’ve put it off for weeks busy riding the wave of life! But the wave crashed the shores and I have run out of excuses to ignore it any longer. The worse side effects of an abnormal heart beat are the water retention and the over whelming feeling of being just too damn tired to move. So I laid on the couch and thought about what my little man had to say.

He didn’t “feel my smile” last night cause I just couldn’t find one. It had left the building. Getting it back, I realize, is just a choice away. A decision to change how I feel inside and out. To be thankful for what I have. I have more than some and less than many but always plenty to share. To love the people who love me and bless those that don’t and yes, there are actually a few out there. To appreciate the moments and live in the now cause yesterday is just a memory that will fade with time.  For every day is a gift…Some days you need a bow, shiny paper and even some curly ribbons  to wrap it up and make it look pretty….but it is a gift none the less.

I love each and every one of you. If you weren’t in my life there would be no life worth having.

Juliana

Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

Illusions…..

Have you ever felt that “Happiness”  or a “Great Life” is somehow always OVER THERE, just out of reach. Does it seem to be on the other side of where you currently are? Is it like a mirage? The closer you get, the further away it moves as elusive as the end of a rainbow? Is this your reality?

NO. THIS is the illusion!  That this state of happiness is for others and somehow outside ourselves and just out of reach. The old adage that you must struggle with all our might to reap the rewards of  a “Great Life”  is false. We have been taught to believe  that only thru suffering will we achieve happiness. This is an old thought. It represents an old level of consciousness that we no longer need to feed with our energy.

The veil has been lifted and we have been shown that our best life is within & in front of us. And the simplest bridge will take us there. The simplest, positive thought of worthiness will propel us forward and we can tread upon that bridge with confidence that it will carry us across.

Greatness already resides within us. Bring it forward. Bring it out. Surround yourself with this energy and you will be the rainbow brightening up the world.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Being a grownup sucks sometimes…..

Today, I finally made THAT call. The one you keep putting off cause you are sure things will get better. But for Mr. Punkin I am afraid the cold hard truth is that 17 yrs of living with me is the most ANYBODY has ever been able to endure and it has taken it’s toll.

My only wish is that when my quality of life fades that someone will load me in a horse trailer and throw a cow hide over me. Drive me to Willis, Texas to the oldest, blindest vet they can find and tell him the old milk cow  Bessy took a turn for the worse. Let him hit me with a hypodermic right then and there. It’s the humane thing to do.

I’ve had him longer than any girlfriend or roommate. Longer than any piece of clothing I own. Longer than ….most everything.

Punkin is old and cries when you pet him too rough. He won’t eat anything but the broth of the canned food and throws up anything else he might try to eat. He has a hard time remembering where the cat box is and some nights cries a lonesome cry that will make you jump up and check on him from a dead sleep.

He’s been there for me. He talked to me when no one else had the time. He sat with me when I was sick and even though I could never get out of the house with black pants on without taking half his hair with me, he’s been my company and my saving grace.

I’m gonna miss him when he is gone. His quality of life is fading fast. And I know that I will have to suck it up and make that trip to the vet . The one that says – sleep well – and I’ll see you on the other side. It sucks being a grownup some days. This will be one of them.

I love each and every one of you.

Juliana

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