Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for the ‘inspirational’ Category

Hiding in plain sight….

1149057_10201921502226162_1029357707_n

Much like a hermit crab I have spent my life living in a shell and as time rolled by I would exchange it for larger and larger shells. It was my home, it was my comfort and protection. And with it I was able, for the most part, to hide in plain sight.

You see, the majority of my life I have been morbidly obese. You would think the larger you are the more people see you but the opposite is true. The larger you are the LESS people see you….let me rephrase that…..the less people WANT to see you. They turn away in stores and elevators as if they are embarrassed for you and rarely speak. It’s a silence you just become accustomed to over time. It’s normal, not being noticed or being glanced over and passed. The silence itself becomes a layer of comfort.

In December 2012 I shattered my silence by undergoing full gastric by-pass. The weight began to fall away at a steady pass. But let’s face it, when you weigh 320lbs it takes a while for people to notice. So I was able to hide in my shell for a good while longer. It wasn’t until I had lost nearly 80lbs that the change began and my silence was broken.

I was alone on a hotel elevator having been at a business meeting or something. I honestly can’t remember because it was what happened next that is so solidly burned into my memory. The elevator “dinged”, the doors slid open and several business professional got on. I looked up at them and their gaze met mine and suddenly I realized they were addressing me. “Hi, How are you today?” a gentleman asked…….I stammered, “just fine” , as I backed my ass waaaaaaay into the back corner of the elevator. All the while the voice inside my head screamed, “Holy shit! They can see me!”. Panic set in immediately. No I mean REAL PANIC….as in a PANIC ATTACK.

I bolted out of the elevator when it reached the lobby and headed to the valet. I passed off my ticket to the young man who ran for my car and I stood there…out in the open…..waiting for my car. I might as well have been standing there butt-ass-naked with a spot light shining down on me because THAT is how exposed I felt in that moment.

I had to have a good, long discussion with myself when I got home that night. I could choose to hide at home and hold down my couch or I could push myself out the door and join the party. I felt like the hermit crab, soft and vulnerable inside. But the choice wasn’t to shed one shell for another like Hermie the Crab. It was time to accept the fact that I had a life changing surgery for a reason….to live. And the only reason to live is to be SEEN and HEARD.

So cheers, to “LIVING OUT LOUD”.

I love each and every one of you
Juliana

Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

Who you calling short?…..

547359_587874087898760_1823015164_n

So when you drop a ton of weight, one of the drawbacks is on your pocket-book. You gotta buy new clothes some time!
On Tuesday evening I made my pilgrimage to my local favorite fat store.
I scoured through the racks of brightly colored summer offerings searching for what had quickly become an elusive and rare pair of black dress slacks. After sifting through jeans, shorts and capris galore I finally I found the golden bar holding the ONLY slacks in the store.I’m a gambler by nature and I hate to try on clothes and mostly, never do, but after 82lbs down the drain it is a necessity for a decent fit.I had one shot and had to get it right.
I grabbed a few sizes and headed for the dressing room. The first pair was too large, the second I couldn’t pull over my pancake ass but the third was juuuuuuust right. I wouldn’t even have to hem them!!!!
I wasn’t crazy about the price but it was, after all, a necessity.
I wrangled a chatty sales associate with a lively “I’m ready to check out , please!” and braced my self to scan my debit card.
He rang up the slacks and suddenly the price changed on the read out and $20.00 dollars was posted as a discount! “They’re on SALE?” I exclaimed in a girly high-pitched voice reminiscent of a tacky tween.
YES MA’AM! ALL OUR CAPRIS ARE ON SALE!!!
ūüė¶ My first reaction? I was pissed! I was worried about hemming capris??? Damn it!
Then I decided the Universe was cutting me a break and I should smile, say thank you and exit the store immediately with my $20.00 discount. I don’t care what you say! I’m not THAT damn short!

Just saying!

I love each and every one of you
Juliana
Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

Keep the good times coming…..

I know…I know, where the hell have I been? Well, I’ve been living life.¬†What you been do’in?

I hope you haven’t been waiting on me….or

Waiting on the RIGHT time to do something…..or,¬†for the RIGHT person to do it with…..or

The RIGHT moment to do whatever the hell you THINK is gonna make you happy.

TIME is endless…our time here is not.

It has been a year since my father passed away. On the one year anniversary of his passing my sweet mother asked if I thought his life was as happy as he wanted. ¬†I replied, “Is anybodies?”

It made me think for a while about his life. And I thought ¬† “NO” …Though he always seemed to do what he wanted, when he wanted….I don’t believe it was as happy a life as he would have liked.

It made me think even more .Who is responsible for what we get out of life? The answer was as obvious as the dirty clothes piled on my bedroom floor. ¬†We are….. I am. ¬†So, I am taking ownership of my happiness. I am taking responsibility for my life and it’s outcome.

LIFE is too short to wait.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright Juliana Wathen 2013

The Goldilocks Complex…..

I must admit. I have lived my life settling for many things that didn’t fit. I have a history of being overly agreeable. I would just deal with what was handed me and go with the flow.

I wasn’t one to complain if things were too hot or cold, too big or too small, too short or too tall. I settled in life and love.

In hindsight, I see that I was just glad to have something rather than nothing at all. What I should have done was continue to do just what Goldilocks did…..look for what was JUST RIGHT.

I’m ready to find the “JUST RIGHT” moments in my life. To do that, I have to be willing to crawl out of the bed that is too short no matter how accustomed to it I have become and put my feet on the floor. It’s time to point my feet towards the door and walk thru it.

I have 8 days of healthy eating under my belt. I deserve to feel “JUST RIGHT” about losing weight and being healthy.

I have worked hard this past year to find that “JUST RIGHT” spot in my core and make peace with myself for all the times that I have “SETTLED” in the past.

What I have discovered is that the more I allow myself to experience those “JUST RIGHT” moments the more I am inclined to pass up the ones that don’t completely fit.

Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their own skin and happy. You just have to claim it. And sometimes THAT, in itself, can make you feel uncomfortable when you struggle with self worth. The only one keeping you from realizing your own worth ….is you.

I want what Goldilocks wants. From now on, I will settle for nothing less than “JUST RIGHT” in life and love. Don’t you settle either.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

The Guarded Heart…..

Yes….Valentines Day is quickly approaching or as one smug son of a bitch so eloquently dubbed it,¬† “Singles Awareness Day”.

Some of us are single by choice and others by circumstance but there are many people out there that go to great lengths and extreme measures to GUARD their heart.  They have made a conscious decision to shield themselves in an attempt to thwart off  pain, disappointment, abandonment or betrayal. In their eyes they are protecting themselves from further damage and shoring up their most vulnerable bits and pieces. They are taking control and defending their territory in an attempt to stay SAFE.

The reality is…SAFE is a lonely place. You not only shield yourself from pain but from LOVE as well. Nothing can penetrate that reinforced skin. Love is something that has to flow. The more you allow it to flow into your heart the more it is able to flow from you. To experience love, You have to share it.

This Valentine’s Day, rethink that emotional chastity belt. Be open to love and love all you can.

I LOVE each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

 

Don’t give up the ship…..

One of the greatest assets we can possess is HOPE. Hope gives us the ability to move forward, to see ahead through the storm and on to clearer days and calmer seas.

It tells us “we can” when others, including ourselves, say “we can’t”. Hope is that small seed that propels us into the future. It is the spark that ignites our dreams. It is the fuel that carries us through the darkest hours and most difficult circumstances. It carries us through to the finish line.

Hope is the passion behind every smile you see every day of your life. It nurtures and molds our ability to love unconditionally and lays the foundation for our faith. It makes us who we are.

Without HOPE  there is no future or direction.

There are challenging days ahead for some folks and I have only these words to share with you as they were shared with me tonight.¬† Don’t give up the ship.

Never give up HOPE. I’ll lend you some of mine if you need it. I now have plenty to share.

I love each and every one of you and today I love the Acker Family  just a little bit more. We are sending you light, love and plenty of hope.

Juliana Wathen

Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

Seasons change…..And so do I…..

There is this incredible moment ….a moment so hard to go back and pin point that you might as well not even try. A moment you just accept¬† as having happened as soon as you become AWARE of it.

The AWARENESS comes well after the MOMENT.

I sat today as I drove between jobs and tried to think…was it yesterday? …the day before? Or Monday….was it Monday??? I had to laugh to myself. The “WHEN” and “HOW” really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the end results¬† that matter.

Like many, I have actively struggled with negative¬†feelings, fears and phobias for years. I have struggled to let them go and purge them from my daily existence. I worked to let go of anger and I’ve prayed to be released from the stranglehold of unhealthy emotions. I have read books and done meditations to find that peaceful place where these things can no longer touch me.

Through my studies I have discovered that you can say the words, even with conviction, like “I forgive you”, “I am worthy”…or “I’m not in¬†love this person anymore”…but it is something else¬† entirely to believe it and live it. The elusive goal is to no longer feel anger in the back of your throat when you speak a name, to no longer feel a longing in your heart when you hear the name of another or fear a situation. And ultimately, to gather yourself in confidence and move on without regret.

I had that moment today…that AWARENESS moment when I realized that the season in my life had changed and I wasn’t just ready to move on but that I already had. I felt no attachment to the past and the bag of rocks I had left beside the road somewhere along the way. I couldn’t even tell you how many miles back I had dropped the burden. I was just AWARE of traveling lighter.

With that lightness today came a joy that had been missing in my life for a long time. It’s was like welcoming a new season…rejoicing in the falls first cold front to break the oppressive heat of a dry Texas summer. There is a crispness in the air, a¬† lightness in my step and I know that Christmas is just around the corner. Life is a gift…sometimes it even has a bow on it!

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: