Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Defensive Driving……

Okay – It can happen to ANYBODY. I got a speeding ticket in Bertram, Texas so I had to take Defensive Driving…I choose an on-line class because my schedule is just too unpredictable. The thought of spending 6 hours in front of my computer did NOT thrill me. But it had to be done.

I quickly surmised that I could multi-task during this process. So just to prove to you that shelling out $25.00 and taking the on-line course is less painful than a tooth extraction I have complied my TOP-TEN LIST of things I got done while taking Defensive Driving ON-LINE.

1.Watched two movies: Men in Tights and Biloxi Blues. CLASSICS!

2. Gave myself a facial and tweezed the annoying testosterone filled chin hair women of my age tend to sprout.

3.Made a fabulous Tuna salad filled with green onions, sweet pickles, celery and raisins.

4. While chopping veggies for above mentioned tuna salad I realized how dull my cutlery was…So I sharpened every blade in the house.

5. Made a photo montage for a friend.

6. Checked Facebook at least a dozen times. Nothing much going on.

7. Made some fab-u-lous Italian meatloaf that I baked in a muffin tin so I would aready have indiviual portions…It’s a Weight Watchers thang…don’t even try and wrap your mind around it.

8.Ironed three shirts and three pair of pants

9.Filed and buffed my mangled fingernails and FINALLY


GET’ER DONE! That’s all I got to say! I haven’t gotten this much done in 6 hours EVER!

Now I can get on with my weekend!

I love each and every one of you…Drive Safe!


Piano Bar Blues……

Yes, Mrs. Lincoln, I have had a cocktail tonight and how did you enjoy the play? “Fine Mrs. Kennedy – how was the parade?

Okay…I had WAY to much fun working tonight. Work turned into unexpected play which is the BEST kinda play to have. I am perched up on the 18th floor of a lake resort and have to go down to check on a promotional event for a bunch of meeting planners….I’m in entertainment you seeeeee……….The DJ is in place…we nosh a bit over the steak and lobster and have a cocktail or two and as the easliy impressed corporate executives file in to the bowling Wii tounament I make my get away to the piano bar with…THE BOYS.

Nearly deserted, the bar is quiet…..”where’s the PIANO player for the PIANO bar” we ask….”taking a break” they tell us… great….we’ll have a cocktail. We settle into the posh couches and pull our feet up on the coffee tables after a long days work as if they were our own. I look at the other people behind us – trying to decern the familiar characteristics of a “Piano player”….searching…searchin…..g searching….BINGO….It’s the blind guy!!!!! The blind guy????

The same blind guy I saw 32 years ago at a high school talent show?….My talent show at MY high school….WTF????  I saw a woman take his arm about to lead him to the piano and I stopped them and asked…Hadden right?? she answered for him ‘Yes” ….I replied…”Are you his mother?” ohhhhhhh bad question…”No , I am his wife but I get that alot”….oh snap…..I JUST killed the conversation….

I asked Hadden if he remembered my name and he didn’t but it was okay – I sang with his brother who was three years older.

We settled into our couches and he began to play..none of it in my key BTW….Mr. Bojangles, Rocky Mountain High and The Entertainer…. I sang under my breath and one of my boys said – sing a song…I said “It’s NOT in my key”….Hadden’s wife chimed in – “he can play in any key just start singing”…And so I did….one song and then another….and another… and another. Lyrics supplied to me by a friend on a I phone…we started taking requests and he played so well he even followed me on a few songs he never heard before….True talent….we scooped up an extra 60 bucks for the tip jar for the folks draw in by the sound and we called it a night.

I was down tonight when I got here…but music lifted me right up out of my skin. We’re gonna do it again tomorrow night..since I’m here all weekend. Why not!

Music is a universal language…once you learn it , It rarely goes away. It cured what ailed me….tomorrow will be icing on the cake.

I love each and every one of you.


Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

Love Spell…..

I admit. It ain’t easy being me. LIFE is simple, it’s just not always easy. And there in lies the rub. I’m not talking about the annoying RUB that happens when you forget to wear your bicycle shorts under your skirt either. You know what I am talking about, some of us have issues. Especially in this 110 degree heat. A big girl’s rubenesque thighs, when darting to the BOGO at Lane Bryant, can rub together with enough friction and force to set off a small forest fire for sure. And HELLO….haven’t you heard? There is a BURN BAN. Yet another reason to tend to your bits and pieces and keep your yard work done! Just saying!

Oh, sorry…my thighs took me off track.

LIFE is simple. Change is SIMPLE. Neither is EASY.  WTF?  Right?

Example #1: I AM NOT A HOARDER! But why do I find it so hard to bag up a whole entire drawer of belts that I never wear, that do not fit and even if they did I wouldn’t wear. Some are extra cheap and came with outfits, some I bought during my “Cowgirl” stage and some I’m sure are leftovers discarded and left behind by more than one ex-lover…It’s SIMPLE – Bag and tag. DONATE.

Example #2: I have a bottle of LOVE SPELL from Victoria Secret that my ex-lover gave me when we were dating, you know…that whole “spray this on your pillow and think of me” bit. I’m not too proud to say I did just that on more than one occasion but since we are no longer together and haven’t been for more than a year it just seemed cheesy. It sat on my dresser for ever….then I dared to actually wear it myself cause I do really like the way it smelled. And yes…I did worry that someone would NOTICE that I smelled like HER and look at me like I had two heads. Of course that never happened. Today, I used the last of it and should have just tossed the bottle….but….but….but…..I couldn’t do it. Sounds pretty SIMPLE though right? Throw it away! It’s not like I collect empty containers…shampoo and mouthwash bottles do not line my driveway! And it’s not like she’s going to come back some day and want to know where her toothbrush, belt and body splash went!  I know without a doubt that I won’t ever buy LOVE SPELL body splash for myself. Though the thought of going into a Victoria Secret store at the mall and watching the sales girl’s face fall when I walk in to SHOP is pretty priceless since nothing in the store could cover my left tit. I KNOW: Bag it – tag it – toss it.

Example #3: I already know that if I take the time to pack all my Scooby Snacks and eat properly every day that I FEEL better. I know that it is important to keep up with all my medications for this and that. I know I need to exercise to keep ahead of the game as much as possible. I know that I’m on a short leash here….but I still find it hard to make the TIME to make it important. The simple thing is TIME already exists. It’s not something I have to make up. The program is easy. The process is easy. The time is there. Why is it when you put it all together it just seems so difficult? Bag it – tag it and pack it up!

Having the perception that ANY of these things is HARD is a conscious choice on my part and a battle that I have created within myself. Change is simple -just let go.  Life is simple….be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t wait for the world to change to join the ride or you will most certainly miss the party!

I love each and every one of you.


From here to there and back again…..

Footloose and fancy free…that is me! It seems I just can’t enough of you guys! I can cram more living into one weekend than a nun on a “hall pass”!

Thanks go out to everyone who cheered me on at the Auditions for The Biggest Loser in Austin, Texas this weekend. I was so busy laughing all day I barely snapped a photo. Here it is in a nut shell. Imagine 600 overweight people lined up around a building in 100+ degree heat….We were sitting stuffed ducks on the water. Marketers from Medi-fast and Quick Weight Loss Centers weaved in and out of the crowd passing out promo laden water bottles and taking surveys. The best though was the taco truck that just kept circle the block like a shark on a seal colony. He smelled blood in the water and wasn’t leaving till he had emptied his truck! He had probably watched the morning news and heard the sound bite: Biggest Loser contestants will be lining up at the Lone Star Center.….he started seeing big, fat, juicy dollar signs $$$$$$$  and was out the door before he could even get his boxers on.

8 hours in line led to a 5 minute interview with one casting assistant and 9 other contestants. We were asked as a group and answered down the line…name, age and occupation….then “how much do you want to lose?”….every one answered and we moved on to how many watch the show and have you entered before….finally she asks where is the best place to eat in Austin???? Thank you very much everyone – we’ll be calling you if you made call backs! It reminded me of the hand shake you get at the end of a dull date instead of a kiss….”I’ll call you”……….Sure!

I had shown them the most I could in the shortest amount of time possible. My composite photo attached to my application showed more than anything, in fact it showed everything; community involvement, out-going, daring, social and cute as a button!!!

But alas, we did not leave there with a lot of hope.  Gayle and I opted for Margarita’s at Chuy’s  instead of sitting by the phone and pining the evening away waiting on a call back.  My sweet friend Lisa joined us and I followed her home to Dripping Springs like a little lost puppy. I have dubbed her home, Club Venturini! The Italian egg breakfast was FAB-U-LOUS…..eat your heart out BIGGEST LOSER!

Sunday meant time to hit the road. I needed to make it to “CHURCH” at Lake Conroe for the early evening services with the girls…and it was 4 hours away! My lil zoom-zoom car carried me along the Texas highways just fine…..The radio was blaring hits from the 80’s and I sang away, windows down and my hair whipping around me like crazy. I giggled at myself more than once cause I was having so much fun. I was footloose and fancy free….subject to my own whims and led by my own desires. Life is good and it will only get better.

I AM the BIGGEST WINNER. The weight I have lost this last year has been mental. I’ve worked hard to release the past and let go of the hurt and the anger that came with it. It’s something I still work on everyday. But I just keep telling myself. Everyday is a gift! Live each one like it’s your last and you would be amazed how incredible your life becomes.

I love each and every one of you.



Mark Twain said it best. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, It’s the size of the fight in the dog”.

Well, what can I say? This bitch….which I mean with the sincerest form of canine flattery, is not giving up yet!

I haven’t weighed in for the last three weeks…which if Weight Watchers was really earning their money and  watching me they would have known and reported to the proper dietary authorities. But since I heard no bells and whistles nor did I see the food police hanging out in front of my very secure apartment, I must have gotten away with the 21 day furlow.

All is not lost my lil chickas! I have my new Bobby Sherman lunch box to inspire me back to dietary greatness! But that of course means the dreaded  WEIGH IN.

I noticed that my precious lil Bobby had his stats printed  on the side of the lunch box. Somehow I felt closer to him just knowing his parent’s names, that he had a sister, where he was born and of course his height, weight, hair and eye color. Ha! That little smidge on information really did satisfy the quizzical desires of a 7 yr old  back in 1970 didn’t it? And bless his heart, 5’9″ tall and only 135lbs….I could break him like a twig with just one hug.

ANYWAY….If lil Bobby…and a do mean little…could put up his stats up for the world  to see then what the hell. I can too.

This may not be pretty but here goes.


Juliana Marie Wathen

January 4, 1963

Born : Tulsa, Oklahoma

Parents: Wanda and Denver Wathen

Siblings: Irby, Denise, Vern and Fred

Height: 5’4″                           Weight: 296 lbs

Hair Color: Lady Clairol            Eye Color: Blue

Wow….I feel better already. I don’t think I’ll ever weigh 135lbs but I’m sure gonna give it my best shot to keep on keeping on. I’m fighting the battle for a healthier me. I’ve got a lot on my plate so to speak and it ain’t chicken!  I took up Weight Watchers in April and my starting weight was 310. I got down to 290 three weeks ago so hopefully I can regain my ground and keep on going.

Just remember, If you can’t run with the big dogs…..stay on the porch!

I love each and every one of you



Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

XXX Confessions…..

Dieting, I am beginning to realize, is a lot like sex. When you have to do the same thing over and over it can get stale and let’s face it – boring. The temptation to stray can be overwhelming. Excitement mounts at the thought of something new,different and dangerous. Before you know it you’re sitting at Phil & Derek’s Cafe having a threesome over the most sinful dish of macaroni and cheese with white truffle oil that you ever dipped your spoon in. Work with me here. I’m still talking about the dieting.

Jimmie Swaggart may have only paid a prostitute to take of her clothes so he could watch over…and over…and over. But I dove right in and tasted the forbidden fruit. And ooooh my God is was gooooood!!!! Ounce for ounce my mac-n-cheese cost WAY more than a New Orleans hooker but it was worth every penny. I know you are supposed to confess with remorse in your heart but I just can’t muster any up right now.

Life happens and stress mounts as family matters pop up and friends pass or fall on hard times. It’s harder and harder to MAKE TIME to take care of my business. But I know the only one I am neglecting is myself. I didn’t feel as good this week as I had been feeling so I worked today on getting back on track. I battled the 4th of July foodies at the local grocery fighting their way through the hotdogs and beer and gathered up a bevy of heathy Scooby Snacks and dinner fix’ins. I came home and fixed up my two-week supply of snack bags for work.And now I feel a little better about the whole situation.

I guess I’m standing before the congregation of life and proclaiming my re-dedication to the cause. I feel like I should say the Pledge of Allegiance or something to make it official but instead…I’m gonna put my feet up and watch Paula Deen on the cooking channel. Mmmm. I love me some Paula Deen!

I love each and every one of you





What to wear?????

No it’s not a white tie, formal affair so keep your opera gloves in the drawer where they belong!But there has been some confusion amongst the Fashionistas of  the group about WHAT TO WEAR to a 30 yr class reunion.

Okay Tigers and Tigerettes, let’s just go over a few small details and I bet you can figure out what you’re gonna wear quicker than a cat can lick its ass.

1.) Location, Location, Location. Sam Boat is a fine establishment…LAKE SIDE. And though they can accommodate 300 plus, count on only 75-100 being in the air condition at any one time. So  – If you find that sweat balls running in and out of unseen and never explored crevices as being a hinderance to your good time – powder your bits and pieces and dress appropriately.

2.) Purpose of Gathering: Now most of us are there to see just how bad everybody else looks so we can feel a little bit better about ourselves. Let’s just call a Pig a Pig shall we.  But if you happen to be a bit self-conscious about the way you look remember the Golden Rule of Fashion. I’ve said it before…. The bigger the hair – the smaller your ass looks….nuff said.

3.)Shopping….I have noticed at past reunions that some single folks like to do some “shopping”. Keep these tips in mind.

If they already saw it in high school – show’em something new for Christ’s sake. Cleavage will only get you so far and if your britches are tight enough to be a terroristic threat, please pick a trunk that fits your junk!

AND  If its got a ring on it – best figure there is a deer rifle in the truck and his/her spouse may not have any problem at all taking in some target practice while in the country. (Lori Acker- Westmreland will have a shovel and a bag of lye in her trunk if someone has a need…see the bartender and have her paged…$50.00 cash deposit on the shovel required)

4.) SHOES & ACCESSORIES: We all have been shopping for jewelry at Harwin honey, don’t try to pass off that shit as real if it ain’t. You’ll just embarrass yourself. And if you think you can manage stilettos on a wooden plank deck….carry your health insurance card so when you get your spike heel caught between the planks and snap your ankle after sucking down 10 tinsy weensy margaritas we can call 911 for ya! Okay…we will HOPE it’s your ankle cause you break a hip at this age it’s all down hill.

5.) MAKE-UP: I love getting my drag on just as much as any girl. But what goes up…..with spackle and powder….must come down. Last call is gonna look more like banquet night at a sci-fi convention if you don’t use moderation and bring a few touch up toys.

Lipstick, blush and something to touch up that eye liner girl, geeze are you from Willis or what?

The real reason we will all be there is just to see each other and have a good time. So please, don’t sweat the small stuff. Just show up and have some fun…I’m pretty sure I heard Hood is buying the first round…..I’ll see you there!!!

I love each and ever one of you


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