Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for the ‘Gastric Bypass’ Category

LOST & FOUND

 

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 I want to talk to you today about the power of words and I am taking aim at one of the most common phrases of all time. “I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.”

Now, you may think this is a GOOD phrase. Seems harmless, right? But let me point out a few things about these words.

Years ago, my sweet momma, Wanda Glyn, called me while I was at college. She had had  one of those light bulb moments that strikes like lightning! She was a pray-er from way back! Now, the Good Lord says to “ask and it shall be given”, well she had been praying ever since I was child. “Lord, we need more money”….we were always JUST scraping by and she was always afraid we wouldn’t have enough. But we always had what we needed …but there was nothing extra. It dawned on her that instead of sending praise  and being thankful that we always had what would sustain us, she had been praying for “NEED” all these years. And the Good Lord gave it to her in spades.

So I caught myself the other day on one of my “girlfriend” pages on Facebook saying and hearing in return over and over “I NEED to LOSE weight. Now, If I applied Wanda Glyn’s new found wisdom there are two words here that need some work. So we already covered the “NEED” part…when you tell the good Lord “I NEED” he’s gonna give you NEED in buckets, but what about “LOSE”. That word started ringing a bit negative to me. Because when you lose things it’s usually bad. Is it good when we LOSE our car keys, lose our jobs, lose a loved one or just plan lose our shit! NO!!! People even say “I am sorry for your loss”. Nobody has ever said that to me when I’ve lost weight but I have had a few “Bless your hearts” waved at me. So what is this need to LOSE WEIGHT?

LOSE, you see carries with it the feeling of anxiety and downright sadness…don’t you get anxious when you lose something, don’t you beat yourself up sometimes for losing shit? I DO! All I want to do is find it or con-soul myself by replacing it if at all possible! What if sub-consciously we were feeling the same same way about weight. People always joke that when you loss weight to be careful or you’ll find it again and there is always some ass-hat that will chime in “I FOUND IT, let me know when you want it back!”

So, how can I fix this anxiety ridden Mantra of ” I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT” to something positive that I can use on a daily basis that makes me feel GOOD and THANKFUL in every word. I came up with this, something to add to my morning prayer and meditation:

I release back to the ONE source all cells of my body that are not necessary to the healthy functioning of this body. My temple is clean, pure and balanced in all things. I thank you for your service and for the en-lighten-ment you have brought me.

You see, when you RELEASE things, you LET THEM GO without the expectation, want or desire to see them again. Changing the power of my speech and prayer from one of anxiety and loss to one of release and joy has given me a whole new attitude toward my life choices. I feel like lightning has struck again and I can hear sweet Wanda Glyn cheering from the heavens above, I AM THAT I AM and it is good.

I love each and every one of you,

Juliana Wathen

Copyright 2018

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Happy WEIGHT LOSS Awareness Day!!!…

pancake29f-1-webBitter? Table for one! Bitter???

Go ahead – make it a table for two cause I am damn sure I’m not alone.

Damn you iHop!!! Get thee behind me!!!

I have no fear – for thou art with me….”Thou” being a stiff cup of coffee and an EAS Vanilla Protein shake for breakfast!

All you can eat free pancakes…..Ha! I laugh in the face of your monstrous stack!

I love each and every one of you…even if you show up drenched in creamy butter and gads of sweet syrup!

Juliana Wathen

Copyright @2015

Living life 8 seconds at a time…..

thVOHSAJ9TThis week RODEO HOUSTON gets underway and you will find me every fourth night volunteering in the Main Corral Club at NRG Center. To get in the mood I have dropped more than my share of semi-expendable cash at Cavender’s Western Wear, had my boots polished and have spent the evening being a slug watching The American Rodeo on RFD-TV. Giddy up and go cowgirl!!!

On this dreary Sunday I have lain up in the middle of my pretty-pretty princess bed surrounded by a large assortment of pillows and a sleeping fur ball and watched four-legged and two-legged athletes alike put it all on the line for a buckle and a paycheck. The toughest of the bunch stake their entire existence on just 8 seconds.  8 seconds.

I started to think just how long 8 seconds must feel like when there is a pissed off 1000lb bull with his nut sack cinched up to Jesus and back, trying like hell to make this is your last day on earth. How many decisions does that cowboy have to make in 8 seconds do you think? His entire life can flash before his eyes, he has time to second guess the bull’s next move and prepare for it and he even has time to think about what the future will hold and how he will spend his money if he makes to buzzer. All in 8 Seconds.

I feel the pressure some days of all the choices I have and need to make in living this life. Some days I feel like I’ve spent more time tossed to the dirt than riding high. So I sat and pondered, what if I only gave myself 8 seconds to make a choice. What if I only allowed myself 8 seconds when I wake up in the morning to get out of bed? I’d be UP AND MOVING. What if I had to make decisions in 8 seconds on food choices and exercise as if my life depended on it.  Ohhhh wait…it DOES!

Bells and whistles go off in my head…..I spend too much time having casual conversations with myself day in and day out, rationalizing bad choices. I talk myself out of getting up, getting out and living life. I wait on others to be motivated and use more excuses than a politician seeking re-election. The time has come to COWGIRL UP Ladies!!! Time to take the bull by the horns and make some better choices. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

I love each and every one of you.

Juliana Wathen

Copyright 2015

I shaved my legs for this?…..

big-changes It’s hard to believe that there is an unflattering side to losing weight. But there is! And NOBODY, I mean NOOOOOBODY warns you about it. Now, before you go getting your granny panties in a twist, I’m not talking that 10 lbs of “Water Weight” you think you are retaining. I am talking about losing big pounds…75…100…125! Sure, you’re gonna be able to wear smaller clothes, pull your car seat up a few inches or perhaps even come a tad bit closer to fitting into the NORMAL airline seat in coach. But what they DON’T tell you is what can kill ya!

I’ve been shaving my legs for years…a lot of years! But this weekend, I damn near had to dial 911 for a paramedic. I knew the “landscape” had changed a smidge as I have lost 113 lbs. But it has been pretty gradual so I didn’t honestly give it too much thought. Besides, why the hell would someone need to TEACH me how to shave my legs? For Christ sake. I’m 50 years old. I think I got this!
And I was gliding along just fine with my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip (which just looks like another piece of plastic to me) till this thing…this…unknown obstacle got in my way. This thing above my foot and below my calf, protruding grotesquely out of the side of my…..OH MY HOLY JESUS!!! I have an ankle!!!! And not just one….I checked the other leg….I HAVE TWO! TWO ANKLES!!!!! And one just happened to be gushing blood like a newly drilled backyard oil well. And I am pretty sure that because of my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip that I was missing not just one, or two but THREE layers of skin to boot!

Physicians, family and friends, and let’s not forget complete strangers, all whisper about the “Shar Pei” effects on skin after drastic weight lose. But can we just focus on the bigger picture right now. The fact that I FINALLY have ankles and one is drastically SCARED for the rest of my life and I didn’t even have it for more than a month. I hung my head, deflated as I bandaged my new ankle. 😦

For those who just can’t relate because you have always HAD ankles….let me put it in terms you can understand…You have a BRAND NEW CAR….It’s the one you always wanted – the right color, the best features and you haven’t even had it a month before some asshole in the Wal-mart parking lot pulls his Ford F350 pickup truck into the VERY small parking spot beside you and dings your NEW CAR DOOR getting out of his giant POS! THAT…is how it felt. It’s not like I’m gonna go to the BODY SHOP for a repair. I’m just gonna learn to live with it.

So me and my battle scared ankle will warn the masses! Who’d have thunk it?

I still love each and every one of you
Juliana

Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

Hiding in plain sight….

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Much like a hermit crab I have spent my life living in a shell and as time rolled by I would exchange it for larger and larger shells. It was my home, it was my comfort and protection. And with it I was able, for the most part, to hide in plain sight.

You see, the majority of my life I have been morbidly obese. You would think the larger you are the more people see you but the opposite is true. The larger you are the LESS people see you….let me rephrase that…..the less people WANT to see you. They turn away in stores and elevators as if they are embarrassed for you and rarely speak. It’s a silence you just become accustomed to over time. It’s normal, not being noticed or being glanced over and passed. The silence itself becomes a layer of comfort.

In December 2012 I shattered my silence by undergoing full gastric by-pass. The weight began to fall away at a steady pass. But let’s face it, when you weigh 320lbs it takes a while for people to notice. So I was able to hide in my shell for a good while longer. It wasn’t until I had lost nearly 80lbs that the change began and my silence was broken.

I was alone on a hotel elevator having been at a business meeting or something. I honestly can’t remember because it was what happened next that is so solidly burned into my memory. The elevator “dinged”, the doors slid open and several business professional got on. I looked up at them and their gaze met mine and suddenly I realized they were addressing me. “Hi, How are you today?” a gentleman asked…….I stammered, “just fine” , as I backed my ass waaaaaaay into the back corner of the elevator. All the while the voice inside my head screamed, “Holy shit! They can see me!”. Panic set in immediately. No I mean REAL PANIC….as in a PANIC ATTACK.

I bolted out of the elevator when it reached the lobby and headed to the valet. I passed off my ticket to the young man who ran for my car and I stood there…out in the open…..waiting for my car. I might as well have been standing there butt-ass-naked with a spot light shining down on me because THAT is how exposed I felt in that moment.

I had to have a good, long discussion with myself when I got home that night. I could choose to hide at home and hold down my couch or I could push myself out the door and join the party. I felt like the hermit crab, soft and vulnerable inside. But the choice wasn’t to shed one shell for another like Hermie the Crab. It was time to accept the fact that I had a life changing surgery for a reason….to live. And the only reason to live is to be SEEN and HEARD.

So cheers, to “LIVING OUT LOUD”.

I love each and every one of you
Juliana

Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

Who you calling short?…..

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So when you drop a ton of weight, one of the drawbacks is on your pocket-book. You gotta buy new clothes some time!
On Tuesday evening I made my pilgrimage to my local favorite fat store.
I scoured through the racks of brightly colored summer offerings searching for what had quickly become an elusive and rare pair of black dress slacks. After sifting through jeans, shorts and capris galore I finally I found the golden bar holding the ONLY slacks in the store.I’m a gambler by nature and I hate to try on clothes and mostly, never do, but after 82lbs down the drain it is a necessity for a decent fit.I had one shot and had to get it right.
I grabbed a few sizes and headed for the dressing room. The first pair was too large, the second I couldn’t pull over my pancake ass but the third was juuuuuuust right. I wouldn’t even have to hem them!!!!
I wasn’t crazy about the price but it was, after all, a necessity.
I wrangled a chatty sales associate with a lively “I’m ready to check out , please!” and braced my self to scan my debit card.
He rang up the slacks and suddenly the price changed on the read out and $20.00 dollars was posted as a discount! “They’re on SALE?” I exclaimed in a girly high-pitched voice reminiscent of a tacky tween.
YES MA’AM! ALL OUR CAPRIS ARE ON SALE!!!
😦 My first reaction? I was pissed! I was worried about hemming capris??? Damn it!
Then I decided the Universe was cutting me a break and I should smile, say thank you and exit the store immediately with my $20.00 discount. I don’t care what you say! I’m not THAT damn short!

Just saying!

I love each and every one of you
Juliana
Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

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The Perfect Fit…..

3763866728_0df3449a5dIt was bound to happen…and I can blame it all on that thing called “CHANGE”.

They can warn you all day long about the mental and physical changes that come about after Gastric By-Pass surgery. But I think they are a bit too clinical and don’t really prepare you for reality and the things that really matter. And every day it seems to be something new.

What really matters today you ask….. Underwear. Damn baggy ass underwear. I woke up one morning and it was just ….too damn big. You can pull it up to your arm pits and it still not hugging your butt. So you roll it and tuck it and still…..baggy panties.

Nothing more uncomfortable than baggy ass underwear. So here I sit…commando…..credit card in hand…ordering my most favorite underwear on-line….in a brand new size!

Yeah me! Just saying!

I love each and everyone of you

Juliana

Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

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