When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.
I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.
So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.
It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.
I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.
Yep – That is me on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!
I still felt huge.
The mind is a powerful thing. I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.
I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.
Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂
10 comments on “When I was a child….”
Thanks for this post today… I needed it.
Meeee to. Just have to sit down and have a good talk with myself. I’m getting there…a little bit at a time
Speaking as someone that USED to be thin…. this applies to us as well. It is SO hard not to look in the mirror and think about what used to be. Once I decided to like the me I am now, I dropped weight like crazy, but I have decided I do not care if I am ever thin again…. I would rather be “fat” and happy than skinny and miserable any day. Posts like this remind me to look in the mirror and love who I am today…. not what I used to look like! THANK YOU!
Amen sister. And you are welcome. The media has played hell with our self esteem for years…I’m undoing all that propaganda and letting it go. Live in the moment!
my moment is goooood! And going to the pool again…
I love you just the way you are! Every single flippin’ pound!
Well, there is already less of me to love….but soon as those lbs start doing flips and tricks I’m going on reality TV and make me some money!!!
I still seee myself as overweight I too was a fat kid I know I really am not but cant get that self image out of my mind just trying to be healthy now
well since you are running your butt off in marathons I think you are on the right track.
I’ve seen you on more than one occasion when you were just TOO THIN and yet your mind never allowed you to feel content with your weight. You gotta love yourself from the inside out and back again. As long as you feel well – it really doesn’t matter what the scale says.
Your words are so universal. I’ve had them spoken to me from my sister. “The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me.” She, too, didn’t like what she felt to be unwanted exposure and chose to build her wall via her body. As you say, just be healthy and happy. We love people, not their reflections in mirrors.
Through this blog I have been made so aware of how many women have felt this. I AM NOT ALONE. Women I went to school with, Girls that I saw in the halls everyday and thought of as “pretty”, “popular” and “outgoing” were battling the same thing. And some, even now, in middle age are judging themselves so harshly as their bodies soften and spread that they can’t enjoy life to it’s fullest.
I am determined to break this mind set in myself. I am determined to live a life full of joy and excitement. I will not judge myself so harshly again. We all deserve to be seen for the perfect creations we are. We all deserve to be loved for who we are. But you cannot accept love from another till you can love yourself completely or you will always question their judgement.
It’s a hard lesson – but I think we are up to the task. You told me once your sister was very smart…smart is sexy at any size! 🙂
Love you Swanette